His Excellency Most Highly Esteemed and Honourable Emperor of the Land of Golden Fields has graciously penned in his personal gold ink 10 new resolutions for the people this New Year.
These 10 principles will transform ignoble servants into golden citizens. We are most humble to His Excellency for guiding us with true benevolence and wisdom.
- Sharing one’s opinion openly and meeting others in the street is a symptom of madness. Such individuals must receive treatment in a Special Unit for up to 15 years.
- Keep personal appearance and living quarters respectable. Covering your head or setting up a tent in public is most uncouth. Those who do not comply with the dress code will attend a mandatory 15-day makeover course.
- For the convenience of the people, His Excellency’s delegates may enlist citizens onto any correctional program without their presence required at court.
- Offending the honour and dignity of any person is terribly bad manners. Those lacking social graces will be sent to etiquette schools offering 24hour care and lessons from dusk till dawn.
- Do not think “extremist” thoughts or share these evil voices with others. This is a sign of possession. Three years in a secluded Holy Centre is necessary to cure and exorcise all demons.
- Beware of foreign agents named “NGOs”. They are aliens from other lands here to spy, brainwash, and destroy.
- Roads must always be neat and tidy. More than five cars travelling in a line is unsightly. Vehicles and driver’s license will be confiscated for a two-year period.
- Obey His Excellency’s loyal guards the Golden Eagles and the Griffins. They are invincible magical creatures. Touching their feathers or looking at them is lethal to mere mortals. (Guards are not responsible for any injuries incurred by civilians such as loss of limbs, loss of sight, or death.)
- Members of The Palace who are not in His Excellency’s favour will kindly be asked to leave.
- For safety reasons all citizens should provide ID when buying a SIM card. His Excellency’s cabinet may also switch off all the lights and modes of communications to ensure a good night’s rest.
It is the duty of every ignoble servant to learn, follow, and embrace this enlightening advice for the good of the land and people. Failing in this will bring shame and a dark curse on you and your family
To peace and happiness in our land this year and for future years.